Top 10 Ways to Better Spend Gas Money

I woke up this morning with an unerring feeling of angst. Something was plaguing me but for the life of me I couldn't put my finger on it. Yes, I had to go to work today and that in itself leaves me grumpy and yearning for the secret to a time machine...but that wasn't it. I didn't forget to pay any bills, I've sent out my Mothers Day cards, even finally got around to mailing my much delayed wedding photos to my grandmother (just under the wire...5 year anniversary on May 17th...bad granddaughter). Unable to zone in on the source of my grief I grab my keys, head for the van, turn the ignition and that's when it hits me. DONG, DONG, DONG announces my car...I'm almost out of gas. UG.

17 gallons and $66.12 later I am completely incensed...what the heck...seriously...$66.12 to fill up MY little mini-van. This is not a Hum-Vee or an Escalade for Pete's sake...it's a MINI-VAN. Now I fully realize that there are others out there (my hubby included) who pay upwards of $100 to fill up diesel gas or large vehicles and I'm sure my paltry $66 sounds like nothing to them...but for someone who prides herself on driving a car more for economy than for show, the sticker shock was just too much to take. This, combined with a funky hair bump that wouldn't smooth out when I pulled my hair back today , was just too much to take.

As a result of my trauma I've channelled my inner David Letterman and am compiling my TOP TEN list of ways to better spend sixty-six dollars and twelve cents than to give it to the god-forsaken, money whoring, planet destroying oil companies. So pop in your fake gap teeth, toss a pencil at your window and hold on...cause' here we go!!!

#10 - 20 Tall Sugar Free Iced Vanilla coffee's from Starbucks. That's right...twenty. For that much caffeine fueled energy I could push my van to work (and work off a few l-b's along the way...lets see my Chevron card do THAT for me). Of course there is always the added bonus of never being "backed up" again...see, I'd be on my way to a smaller butt AND a lifetime of regularity.

#9 - 3 months membership to Golds Gym. Three full months of exhaustively pumping iron, running like an lobotomized lab rat on a treadmill and sitting spread eagle in front of perfect strangers on some sadistic exercise machine all for the same price of ONE tank of gas. Throw in the bulimic Barbie next to me in FULL HAIR and MAKE UP not even breaking a sweat on the elliptical and even that mental rape is less traumatic than a trip to the pump.

#8 - 101 Mini Babybel Lowfat Cheese rounds. Who can resist the urge to squeeze these oh-so-creamy little rounds right down the middle exposing the treasure of golden delicious cheese within. I could live on these babies and if it weren't for my gasoline related depression I could afford to!

#7 - 66 Wet N' Wild #666 Brandywine Lip Liners. I know...haven't I grown up a little since the days of Bonnie Bell lip gloss and Luv's Baby Soft perfume?! But seriously...no matter how much I spend on lip liners I always go back to my Junior High fave. It never fails and at 99 cents I can't resist it. Herein lies the cosmetic-ological (just made that up...cross between cosmetics and cosmological) query...how is it I won't pay more than a buck for lip liner but I don't bat an eye at a $50 face cream? Who knows. It is what it is. But I do know I'd rather give the twit at the Lancome counter $50 for hope in a jar than pour my money down my tank. Besides, what's the more inflated fallacy...the fact that Elizabeth Arden thinks she can turn back the hands of time or that oil REALLY costs $120 a barrel? Hum...something to think about.

#6 - 7,049 Q-Tips. I use them for everything and I have them everywhere. I have travel packs in all three (yes I said three) of my make up bags. I have them stashed in my car, in my train case for nightly maintenance and even in my gym bag. I love them and go through them like crazy so why shouldn't I rather spend my hard earned dough on these soft little gems of cleaning perfection than on petroleum?! Does gasoline keep my ears clean, my make up in its place, and my toes free of stray polish smudges? NO...and it never will.

#5 - 16 pairs of Rite Aid flip flops. I have a basket full of these wonderful cheepies in every color with every embellishment imaginable! At $3.99 a piece why not. It's a no-brainer. Let the oil tycoons spend thousands on sand transportation...I'll surf the dunes in my hot pink flip flops.

#4 - 8 martini's after work at Mandango's. 1 martini, 2 martini, 3 martini...floor. Guess I'll have to bring my hubby to drink the others and call our kids for a ride home (yes they're both driving now and we live in a constant state of panic as a result)! Darn it...that means two more gas-guzzling consumers in our home and at the pumps. Friggin' oil conglomerates...its a conspiracy!

#3 - 1,323 tablets of Advil. I'd need them after 4 martini's.

#2 - 157 Stamps to write to congress about rising gas prices.

And drumroll please....finally

#1 - 6 co-pays for trips to a psychiatrist to find out why I actually believe congress cares about said rising gas prices!

Ba-dum-dum!!! Good night Seattle...we love you!


Luv, hugs and shoes....sweet ass gal

Celebrity Foot Crossers

I am known for telling stories...stories of my childhood, stories of a funny thing (at least I think so) that happened once, and stories about other people's stories. I tell them in great detail and with great enthusiasm which also causes them to be great in length as well. By Junior High my friends would respond to one of my tome's with a snarky "what color was the chair". This was an obvious attempt by my best gal pal's to tell me "Wrap it up chica...way TMI!" Anyway, my passion for storytelling has since sparked my complete and total fascination over absolutely nothing and yes, I will turn that into a story somehow too. Skip ahead from Junior High twenty years and you have me telling stories via my very first blog. Insane Random Observances is my way of saying I'll prattle on endlessly about absolutely nothing significant and I will do it with unbridled enthusiasm. So here we go...

Celebrity foot crosser's...they're everywhere and now that I've pointed it out you will notice it too. What is it about donning haute couture and hitting the red carpet that causes celebrities to suddenly feel like they have to stand hands smartly placed on hips and feet oh so conveniently and coyly crossed? Is this a compulsion or is it listed in the celebrity handbook as Tip #142...how to look 10 pounds lighter in a photo. I'm not sure but I know every time I see it I wonder when the first (and not so bright) one will forget they've taken this particularly awkward stance and try to walk without first uncrossing the legs. This of course leads to a precarious fall, a major wardrobe malfunction and an eventual role on another reality TV show.

I'm sure it's just an attempt to look striking and slim (and who can blame anyone...especially an overly criticized celebrity...for that) but it plagues me none the less. It's just SO prefabricated and contrived that it merits my fascination and a blog about this completely insane random observance.

Oh...and in case you were wondering...the chair was blue.

Love, hugs and shoes...sweet ass gal